Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
