he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
