She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
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But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
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I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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