Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
