someone threw a dead crab at me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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