I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize