he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
