Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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