i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
