I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
