I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you never un-have a 4some
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
