I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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