just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Sorry my hands just texted you
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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