I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
