Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
