i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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