what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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