The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
