I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
im six kinds of drunk right now
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
