just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
