its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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