are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
