She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
