i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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