I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
