Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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