So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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