Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
