If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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