You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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