It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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