i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
