while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
