Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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