Where did you get a picture of my penis
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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