Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
