At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Couch. On fire.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
