Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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