I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
