I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
