I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize