yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
