I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
