I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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