Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
