I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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