too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
