he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
