I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i've created a new STD.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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