please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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