And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
cat food counts as protein by the way
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
