Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
