just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you inspire me to be a worse person
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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