I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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