OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
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I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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