I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
