i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
