Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
