Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
